Holy Shit! It is here the day you have been building up to for years. Sitting in discharge, every nerve in your body is twitching. It doesn’t mater how cold that little room is, sweat is still rolling down your cheeks. Every step of this process is exciting and terrifying.
When they finally walk you out of those doors, it is all on you. From now on, every decision is yours to make. What time to eat, when to shower, how to dress, everything. For years, maybe decades most of these decisions were made for you. Now its on you, and the repercussions of making the wrong decision are also on you. I pride myself on my ability to handle stress with a clear head. I don’t get rattled easy, but this feeling the first few days was absolutely overwhelming. Deciding what to have for my first real meal about broke me.
This is a new muscle you are going to have to work on. It is fucking hard! It will get easier though. I in the beginning try and keep things as simple and uniform as possible. If you spent the last 10 years waking up at 5 when the doors popped, keep waking up at 5. If you worked out every morning before breakfast, keep it the same. Any way you can eliminate a few decisions, do it.
Your first day is a vital one in establishing the new you. There is going to be a list of things you want to do, and a list of things you have to do. The list of have to do is going to depend on your situation, some people are going to a halfway house, some to parole or probation, but most people have some sort of terms of release. I would start that today. Even if they give you 48 hours or 24 or whatever, at least start on it right away. If you have restitution to pay, get ahold of the court and find out how to make payments. Set up your transportation to get to the probation appointments, start checking things off the list. Starting this is going to give you a feeling of accomplishment. Your going to start to feel good about making progress. The old you would have ignored the problem until it was an emergency, not anymore, you achieve even when it would be easy not to. Your family that has been so excited to see you and wants to take you out for a big dinner is going to be happy to stop by the parole office on the way just so you don’t have to freak out about it the next 47 hours.
This first day out is just like the first day on a new yard. Everyone is sizing you up. People have no idea what to expect from the new you. Most likely the last time you spent together, other than a prison visitation, you were a junkie, strung out running from the police. You know that person is gone, he died, this free man with them today will never end up in that situation, but they don’t. You have lied to and deceived everyone before. Now its time to show not tell. So just like that first day on a yard, you need to set the tone. If your brother offers a beer with dinner, you don’t drink. Plain and simple. The best response I have found as to why I don’t drink is a simple factual one. If you say something simple like “no thanks” most people just drop it. If you give some elaborate emotional answer like ” addiction almost ruined my life “, a lot of people will try to over turn it. Probably to justify in their own head why it is ok for them. Eventually you will find your own snarky answers when people try to get you to have a drink, but it happens less and less the more you cut those kind of people out of your day to day. There is no such thing as a friend that tries to talk you into fucking up your life. For now though, no thanks is sufficient.
Your first day is going to be a scary and exciting day. There will be a ton of emotions running through you.The old you could easily use these emotions and fear as an excuse to get a little head change. Maybe just one hit to calm you down, a drink for old times, whatever bullshit excuse you could find. But that you is gone forever. You use stress and fear to motivate you. You are the kind of person that takes action. This is your great opportunity. Today you get to show yourself and the rest of the world the new you.